


(Un)Answered Prayers

by PensiveManiac



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 5+1 Things, All Dialogue, At least there's a happy ending, Gen, M/M, There's cursing, all ships are consummated offscreen, and they don't stay dead, but only canon deaths, but otherwise it's innocent-ish, christian praying, destiel isn't really a big thing, like the f-word, look supernatural can be depressing, prayers, references to main character death, so maybe it's sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-26
Updated: 2014-06-26
Packaged: 2018-02-06 06:58:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1848712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PensiveManiac/pseuds/PensiveManiac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>or Five times Sam Winchester prayed and one where his prayer was answered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. After Jess died

November, 2005 - Lost Creek, Colorado

“Lord, I need help. Father, it’s my dad. He’s gone. Dean keeps looking and I keep tagging along, but it’s so hard sometimes. I think a lot about that moment You were on the Cross and I can’t help but wonder if You understand more than most what it feels like to search for a Father who’s turned his back on his son. It feels like I’m bleeding but I can’t stop picking at the cut. I know it makes it worse, but there’s nothing else I can do. And Jess. Please watch over her. I’m still not sure how much you hold pre-marital stuff against us, but most of that was my idea, so maybe she could get a pass? And on that subject, is there some sort of deal we can work out where having to live on the road with my grown brother in the same motel room for only-you-know how long makes it so you ignore some of the sins I’ve done?  “I mean I don’t expect you to ignore the big stuff, like me disrespecting my father, or stealing or even the stuff with Jess, but like the wishing Dean dead that I do occasionally, or the cursing, or even the drinking? I mean it’s hard to be a grown man living with another grown man who, oh by the way, changed your diapers and watched you grow up, and practically raised you but can’t be bothered to remember to text before he brings a truck stop skank back to the room. 

“I probably shouldn’t be complaining about my brother to You, should I? Don’t worry, I’m not going to go all Cain and Abel on him. But Father, please watch over my dad. I don’t know what it would do to Dean if he died, but I know I can’t see my brother broken. I need to find him. I need to avenge Jess and Mom. I know vengeance is Yours, but this is a demon. A literal tool of the Adversary. I figure you have to be ok with me killing it. 

“I don’t know when Dean will get back and for whatever reason I always feel better when I say this stuff out loud, so... Thank you, Lord, for giving me a brother who goes into battle at my side. Thank you for giving me a roof over my head, food in my stomach and for life itself. Thank you for everything, God, and please watch over my loved ones. Bless my family. 

“In Your sacred and holy Name, Amen.”


	2. While held captive by Azazel

May, 2007 - Cold Oak, South Dakota

“God? 

...

“I don’t know if you can hear me. I don’t know if you listen to the prayers of those with Demon blood. I mean, it’s starting to look like I could be the Antichrist, and something tells me You and Satan aren’t on a great conversational level these days. 

“But I need help, Lord, and I don’t have anyone else. I’m stuck here. Dean’s not here and I can’t stop thinking about where he is or what he’s doing or what he’s thinking. Does he know? I mean does he know that I’m missing because the demons really wanted one of their own? Does he blame me for Mom these days? Now that he knows the truth about me, does he hate me inside?

“I don’t know what to do, God, I just can’t do this anymore.

“I’m sorry for crying. I know, You went through horrible things too, I mean so much worse than one whiny demon-tainted kid has any right to compare himself to. But I don’t want to be evil, God. I really don’t. I tried so hard to do the right thing. I changed who I was so I could fight for You and for the safety of others. I gave up so much normal to hunt these things. To keep Dean safe. 

“I need you to watch over him, Lord, I really do. I mean, yeah, I know, I’m the one who’s apparently stuck in Survivor: The Hellspawn Edition, but he’s the one who needs Your help even more. Dean’s never been good at the whole “independent person” thing. He is co-dependency. And now I’ve left him alone. 

“I know Dean’s done some bad stuff. I know he sins a lot. I do. But he’s a good person and he’s going to need you so badly without me or Dad to help keep him focused and on track. Could you maybe send him a guardian angel? I know that Dean doesn’t believe in angels, but maybe one he could deal with? One who’d watch him, protect him, love him? 

“I think a lot about what would have happened if I’d never been born. No me means no Yellow Eyes, means Mom lives, means Dad’s not a hunter, and next thing you know Dean has his apple pie life. I think that may be my biggest sin. I killed my brother’s dreams. Forgive me, Lord, for I will never forgive myself.   “I want to thank you for everything You have done for me. I know I complain a lot, and sometime’s I feel like that guy from Fiddler on the Roof, you know, Tevye or whatever, who talked to You like you were some guy off the street. But I just want to let you know that I don’t mean anything disrespectful. It’s just Your’re a lot easier to talk to than any human I know. 

“Thank You for saving Dean when he died. I know it was magic, and I know it was a reaper and I know it was bad that someone else died. But I’m just sure that You wouldn’t have let something that awful happen in Your Name if there wasn’t some miracle there on some level. So thank You for saving my brother. I know it’s a lot to ask, but please watch over him some more. I think he’ll need a lot of help if I die here.

“Can I ask You to forgive me? Or does the whole demon-blood-unholy-visions thing mean that I’m not eligible. Who knows? All I know is that I have to try. Forgive me God, for all my sins, all my faults, all my failures. 

“Because there’s so many. 

“In Your Name, holy, perfect and blameless. Amen.”


	3. After Dean died

May, 2008 - Pontiac, Illinois

“Now that Bobby’s gone, I need to talk to You.

“He can’t be dead. He can’t. And if he is, he can’t be in Hell. Please, give me some sign if he’s with You. He did so much good! He did! And he sold his soul for ME! Not for money, not for power, not for anything for himself! He died for me! And I need him back! I need him to know how much it meant. That I love him. That I prayed for him. 

“I asked You once to send an angel for him. A guardian angel to watch over my big brother who watches over everyone else in this world. But You didn’t send one and now he’s dead and he’ll never know You. Why? Why does everyone I love die? What did I do? Is it my fault? Do You just hate me? 

“You have to bring him back. You have to. Because if You don’t then I’m going to have to bad things. I’m going to have become bad things. Because Lilith can’t win. Evil can’t win, but if You, if good itself won’t help... then I guess I’ll have to handle things myself. 

“Don’t make me do this, Lord. 

“Please, don’t make me become... what I always feared I’d become.”

...

“Fine. I’m sorry, Lord, but he can’t be dead.

“Forgive me, Father, for I know exactly what I’m doing.”


	4. After Gabriel died

April, 2010 - Sioux Falls, South Dakota

“I can’t believe you’re dead.

“You’re supposed to be an archangel. Heaven’s shock troops. It shouldn’t be so easy to kill you that Lucifer got you with one stab. 

“Gabriel, I know you can hear me, because you can’t be dead.

“Because if you’re dead, that means that Lucifer’s winning. And the devil himself is not supposed to win. Hell doesn’t get to kill Heaven’s warriors. Especially not the Messenger of God. It’s just not fair. 

“I don’t know how long it’s been since I prayed to your Dad. I mean I used to pray all the time, even after the whole demon-blood thing came out, I still prayed. But I can’t pray to Him anymore. I just can’t.

“Because if the angels (not you, and not Cas, well at least not all the time, but whatever, you get it) are dicks with wings... if I can be stuck as being Lucifer’s destined sock puppet... if you can be dead... there’s no hope that God’s listening. At the very least, I don’t think He cares about us any more. 

“Maybe He never did.

“I prayed for Cas, you know. Not like prayed for him like I pray for Dean or prayed to him. I’m the one who prayed that he’d come into our lives at all. No, seriously, before I met him, before I knew you were anything other than a trickster, I prayed for your dad to send a guardian angel for Dean. One he could love. I think that’s Cas. I really think that there’s something there. I know, weird, huh, Dean being into guys, or at least a guy shaped angel. Man, you would have never let them down if you saw half the weird looks between them I have. You’d have messed with them constantly. I hope they get together before too long. No one should be alone in this world.

“I never said thank you, did I? I mean, not for the whole killing Dean a billion times thing. That was awful. And not for the TV land time either. But for thinking that we, two damaged brothers, were worth taking your time to help. Not that it felt like help at the time, but everything I’ve read about trickster types say that you teach. That’s your job, to teach us mere mortals what we’re doing and how to do it right. So, thanks for think we were worth your time.

“I miss you. I know that’s weird, since every time we’d meet up you’d torture me, and it’s not like we used to hang our regularly or anything, but still, the world seems darker without you in it to bring some humor. I can’t remember the last time I laughed in a non-sarcastic way. I feel like you’d fix that. You’d startle me into laughing. I think about the silliest ways you’d trick Dean, like turning Cas into pie so he’d have to choose between his two greatest loves. Or make him be an angel for a day to get a glimpse at how hard it is.

“Anyway, yeah, it’s weird and stupid and masochistic of me to miss you, but I do. 

“Come back, Gabriel. Just, come back.

“Please.”


	5. In the mental hospital with Lucifer the Hallucination

April, 2012 - Northern Indiana Mental Hospital

“Make him stop.

“Please, God, please, make him stop. I’m sorry, Lord, I’m so sorry. I know I should never had said ‘yes’ I really do. I thought the Pit was my punishment. I really thought I’d paid for my sins. Isn’t that how it works? That you go to Hell if you sin? I guess I just thought that if being in Hell wasn’t eternal than neither was the eternal punishment actually eternal. 

“Sorry this doesn’t make much sense. Been awake too long. Let me sleep, O Lord, please let me sleep. Just one Lucifer-free night is all I ask. You can let him torture me some more as soon as I wake up, I promise. Just let me sleep.

“Forgive me. Please God, forgive me. I can’t take this. I really can’t. I’m going to go even crazier. I didn’t know that was possible, but I think it is, because it’s going to happen.

“Deliver me from Evil, Lord. Please make it stop. 

“Help me.”


	6. When he found out Cas saw Gabriel

March, 2013 - Lebanon, Kansas

“You complete asshole! You fucking dickess douchebag of an archangel. This is un-fucking-believable even for you! What the hell? You show up to Cas, but not me? I prayed to you, Gabe, every night. I prayed until I couldn’t speak. I begged God to bring you back. I looked up ‘how to resurrect an angel’ as soon as we got to the bunker. Not one day has passed that I didn’t wonder why you had to die when we weak and fragile humans got to live. 

“I know you think I’m going to accept that this whole thing was Metatron messing with Cas, but I know better. There’s no way Cas would be fooled if it was all fake. He’s learned a lot since you saw him last. He gets things now. He looks for deception. He looks for tells. Dean teaches him sometimes, and sometimes he picks it up on his own, but either way there’s no way that worthless douchebag would be able to pass as someone so... uniquely you. 

“So I know you’re out there, you worthless fuck, and I know you’ve been dodging my prayers. Not anymore, assbutt. Yeah, stole that from Cas, you know, the angel who stuck around with his favorite Winchester instead of hiding from his problems like a fucking child. 

“I swear, by your Dad, I will get you down here! So it’s up to you, you unbelievable dick nozzle. Come now willingly, or come confined to the circle I set up around you when I summon your self-centered ass. 

“I’ll give you to the count of five.

“One!

“Two!  
 “Three!

“FOUR!

“Fi---” 

“Calm down, Sammich. I’m here. I’m sorry, Sam-a-lam-a-ding-dong, I really am. But you don’t get it. If you knew I was alive, Cas would know. He’d hear you praying to me, or overhear a thought or even catch me visiting. If Cas knew, the other angels would either be told, or they’d find out the same way. Pretty soon all of heaven’s out to find me and make me take on Metatron, and Bartholomew before him, and Naomi before him. They needed to figure it out on their own. I’m sorry. I had to.”

“Putting aside the bullshit in what you just said, I’m inclined to forgive you, under one condition.”

“What condition, Samsquatch?”

“You never vanish on me like that again. Never. I pray, you damn well better at least call.” 

“You got it. Now, I believe you missed me? Tell me more.”

“How about I show you?”

... 

...

\-- a few hours later --

“You missed me that much, huh?”

“I guess so”

“Sweet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first fic ever and it's not beta'ed so please let me know if you like it. Comments and/or kudos would make me happy.


End file.
